I wrote a mediation about being a unique, one of a kind, individual human earlier this week (I’ll share that very soon too).
I was interested in the stars. I knew there were lots. That each one is unique, different from any other.
Thought this would be a beautiful visual so I fact checked…
‘Astronomers estimate that the universe could contain up to one septillion stars - 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. With our milky way alone containing more than 100 billion. Source NASA.
The World Economic Forum estimates that the total number of humans who have ever lived and died is 109 billion.
So that became a visual for how much diversity and difference is possible. I was really taken with it as a concept.
At the same time, this week at work, the perfect mother myth has come up. (It comes up most weeks.)
The perfect mother myth is so damaging in so many ways. One aspect I wanted to speak about this week is the idea that there is one way to be a perfect mother. That one way is the ‘right’ way. Most of us, if asked, could paint a very vivid picture of what that perfect mother is like.
A cookie cutter version of motherhood. How depressing (on so many levels) when there is space, a need, for so much more.
This cookie cutter mother has the stuff. They have the pram, the changing bag… They have the scripts. ‘I can see you are having a hard time leaving the playground today love..’. They have the strategies. The greens first, baby led weaning…
I do/did all these things. I had the pram and the changing bag. I use scripts. We did baby (ish) led weaning and started with kale. So no judgement, at all. Having models and ways of doing things, shortcuts are helpful. Where it becomes an issue is when there is one right way to do it.
We will begin with the fact that human children need human mothers. Gloriously unique, one of a kind, individuals. Mothers that can share with them how to be a perfectly, imperfect human being. Mothers that are able to explore with them, their likes and dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses, support them to find the things that they value, that they enjoy, that they want to spend their precious life minutes doing.
There is a reason your child wants you and it has very little (if anything at all) to do with how many ticks you can put in the ‘perfect mother’ boxes.
It has to do with the things that only you, as your individual, unique self can do. The way you smell, the tone of your voice, the familiarity of your face, your laugh. The knowing that they are part of your tribe. That this is where they belong.
Knowing this, as I am oh so very painfully aware, is far easier said than done.
Mothering has been modelled to us in a very specific way, for most (or all) of our lifetimes. We are marketed to, relentlessly, and shown portrayals of a specific type of mothering all. the. time. We get asked questions, most days, about how ‘good’ our children are.
The process of matrescence (finding your identity as a mother) fundamentally changes our identity. Our values and beliefs and relationships can all shift and change. So, all of a sudden, that knowledge of who we are can feel a little slippery.
Plus, it’s hard. It often doesn’t go well. It doesn’t feel neat or comfortable or right. So it’s normal to think ‘am I doing this right?’. That’s healthy, helpful and important. Self-reflection and research are both valuable and absolutely have their place.
It can also be helpful to consider the possibility that you, as one human, cannot be expected to be all things to your child. That’s the nice thing about existing in a world where we are all different. There will be things you give to your child effortlessly and beautifully. There will be other things that other people do. There will, probably, be some gaps. These will be the things where you muddle through and do your best.
I guess what I’m trying to say is you are one of a kind. There has never been anyone else like you. There will never be anyone exactly like you in the future. You are a magical and wonderful and unique human. That unique, one of a kind you, is the mother that your child needs. Not some robo-mother created by a mixture of advertising and the patriarchy.
There is a beautiful book that I loved reading with my eldest. My youngest isn’t interested in the slightest.
It’s called ‘You Belong Here’, written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Isabelle Arsenault. It helped me to consider the idea that in this vast world of possibility there is me and my children and we belong together even though I am not at all perfect (and neither are they).
“The stars belong in the deep night sky And the moon belongs there too, And the winds belong in each place they blow by And I belong here with you…"
Sending you lots of love.
I hope you are doing okay.
Thank you for being here and reading these letters.